


If love is a labour, I'll slave til the end

by Lia_Ilpukhir



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Drama, Drama & Romance, F/M, Friendship, Friendship/Love, M/M, Multi, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-12
Updated: 2017-03-16
Packaged: 2018-08-14 15:32:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8019418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lia_Ilpukhir/pseuds/Lia_Ilpukhir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I'll show you mine if you show me yours first. - Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse. - Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words." [Rise Against - Swing Life Away] // A story, time classified in Act 2, which tells about friendship, love, sorrow and passion.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hawke

The sun was long gone; the dark of the night fell peacefully over the Wounded Coast. A bonfire lit up to the free surface on which the companions were resting. It was not a long distance to Kirkwall, nevertheless, exhausted as they were, they decided to rest here for the night. They had destroyed a horde of Tal-Vashoth in one of the caves. It had been very exhausting. The horde seemed to have had no end and their potions had a tendency rather run short.  
Thus, they decided to rest overnight. After all, it was not clear whether the home journey would be without incident. You learned to expect trouble on the Wounded Coast.

Silently, they sat all around the camp fire. Still to wound up from adrenaline, they were unable to sleep, but too exhausted to talk. Even Varric was silent, not commenting on what had just happened. However, his judging by his facial expressions, it could be imagined, that he was already filling the experience with details to make it an entertaining story.

Hawke was grinning, as she imagined how he would brag the next day in the Hanged Man of how she had jumped up to the ceiling of the cave, in order to make the leader of the Tal-Vashoth with her daggers as brutal as possible. That the ceiling was far higher than the Qunari he would conveniently conceal.

She grinned again, and laid her head back against the wall of the old ruins amongst which they were camping and closed her eyes. She felt the fatigue wash over her as a gentle impact slammed down on her shoulder. Startled, she opened her eyes and turned to look at the cause. It was ash she suspected. Her companion, Anders, had found sleep. They were leaning shoulder to shoulder against the wall and now his head was tilted to the side and was resting familiarly on her shoulder. A smile flitted across her lips. He hat become a really good friend to her here in Kirkwall.  
A soulmate.

Shortly after they had met, there was a task in which they were asked to eliminate a gang of bandits at night in the streets of Kirkwall. Hawke, Varric, Isabela and Anders had been very successful and had therefore gone into the Hanged Man to celebrate. It was a fun night, which ran down at one point to Varric and Isabela were involved in-depth in a card game, while Hawk and Anders had met at the bar.

It was pleasant to speak with him. He was a man who wore his heart on his tongue. He had told her of his time with the Grey Wardens, the times in the Circle, Karl...

He became a confidant for Hawke, something she had never had before. She always had to be strong for ger family. Calm against Carver, and later being the rock for Bethany and her mother to hold on too. Thus, she was in the habit of never showing her own weaknesses. To always seem strong to anyone on the outside. At least her facade had crumbed in front of her companions, as her mother had lay dying in her arms. Now it was so much easier – he was always there for her. When she spent time with him, she could even let her feelings show; the grief over her mother and Carver… the fact that Bethany was in the circle. She missed her little sister. At least she now had Anders. In the last three years a very deep friendship had developed which hardly anyone understood.  
Of course, everybody thought there was much more between them. They denied such rumors, but it was no use. If Varric or Isabela teased them, and they denied it, they only received a sarcastic disbelieving comments. For them, however, it was clear that there is no interest in more. On the contrary, even. Anders entrusted himself to her.

Carefully, she held Anders head and torso stable with her hands while she moved a little further to the right. Slowly she let him sink with his head on her lap and tried to make him as comfortable as possible. She gently stroked hair out of his face, which had fallen from its braid, so that it didn't tickle and wake him.

Then, she lifted her gaze to the flames of the campfire, which flickered in a few feets away from her, then a little higher.  
A ways behind the camp fire, Fenris was settled on a few smaller boulders and concentrated on cleaning the blood from his great sword.  
It was difficult to understand, but Anders actually had, in the first moment he had met Fenris, started to develop feelings for the elf. He wanted to come closer to him, to prove to him that not all mages were that bad. That they also can do good things, as he does with his clinic. That mages can be good to him. That he would do good things to him, ig he was be allowed. Anders wanted to take the hatred from him, make him smile. Only one positive emotion to elicit – but it did not work. He saw in Fenris more, as Hawke had seen for a long time. Not only a hate-filled, vengeful elf that existed only to destroy his old master. No, he saw him as someone who sought freedom, safety and security. Like Anders. Someone who wanted to trust, but couldn't.  
Unforunately, Fenris showed him only a cold shoulder, showered him with hostility, because of his magic and his desire to be free. There was no chance, but Anders wouldn't abandoned hope. It was a regular subject in their conversations, how Anders handled the situations, how he felt when Fenris blocked his attempts at friendship. But Hawke couldn't even help refuse the hostility between them. She did not have a good relationship with Fenris. There had always been distance between them. It was hard for him to understand her view on mages, criticizing her regularly. Thus, Hawke has had a lot difficulties trying to build real trust with him. She was too worried about the safety of her sister. Over time, the distance between them grew, unitl it went no further then Fenris followed orders in battle.

While she was deep in her thoughts his eyes raised and met hers, which were still stuck on him.  
Ashamed she wanted to look away. Her body screamed inwardly with the need to give in. But she couldn't, wouldn't show any hint of weakness, and held his gaze, keeping any expression from showing. He couldn't see that his view softened her, made her stomach feel queasy, her heart hurtle; all at once.  
She doesn't want him to know that she saw, in his eyes, more than pure bitterness about life, but a slight hint of hope that maybe everything would be better.  
It warmed her whole body if one of Varric's jokes even made the elf smile. Moments, in which his petrified masquerade fell. Moments, she enjoyed too much. It wasn’t right. She wasn’t allowed to feel so, think so. To feel embarrassed, just because he saw in her eyes. Something inconspicuous, which was still infinitely intimate for her. This shouldn't be. It was not fair to Anders. All of the talks, which they had had converted her initial view of Fenris. She started to see what Anders saw. To see, what was behind the facet the elf kept for his own protection. She started to understand about his acts and thoughts. Still, it was just wrong. He was unpredictable and dangerous. Therefore, it was no one her mother would have ever desired for her. He is no one with whom a future would be possible, never mind a normal relationship.  
This was probably what made him just so attractive to her. He was, at his core, a good elf.

That Hawke had all of these thoughts made her sparks of hatred appear in her. She hates herself for developing these feelings for Fenris just because Anders had opened her eyes.  
She sat there and tried to get through this brief moment of eye contact, in which the elf paused in the brushing of his great sword. Even if he was irritated about the situation he didn't show it. Instead he turned his glance away, looking to his great sword, before he placed it against the rocks. With a gallant swing, he lifted his legs from the ground placing them high on the rocks. Turned a bit and then laid down on his back.  
It didn’t seem to be that comfortable, but he probably was accustomed to much worse places to sleep in the course of his life.

Despite of her feelings she had never stopped trying to remove the distance between them. It remained reserved, even tense between them. It was better that way.

She turned her eyes away, looked to Varric, who was still looking with shining eyes at the fire, as if there would be his embellished story in there.

"Will you take the first watch, Varric?" She broke the silence. "Or are you already sunk in dreams?"

"Me and dreaming? What do you think of me, Hawke!“ Replied Varric who seemed in fact torn from deep thoughts. "Of course, Bianca and I will keep out every possible sleep robber!"

"Fine." She grinned. "Wake me when you want to change."

She leaned her head back on the wall, looked just one more time unconsciously to the sleeping elf before she closed her eyes.


	2. Hawke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope it is not that terrible with my english ♥

The next day had begun, the sun rose softly in tender orange along the wounded coast.  
They packed up their things. Thanks the Maker that the night had run quietly. Though therefore they were all hungry, but, otherwise, so far recovered.  
While they followed their way to Kirkwall, Fenris and Anders had again a battle of words of a probably never ending discussion. Varric was in between, tried to mediate in charmingly witty manner. Hawke kept out. She wanted to hit neither herself on a side nor offend somebody of both. She was on Anders side, because Fenris exaggerated extremely. But she also understood that he thought in his way. Therefore it made no sense to interfere there. She would probably rather add fuel to the fire than to provide a peaceful mood. Varric was unambiguously better for this job.  
Therefore she rather concentrated upon the surroundings. Anytime something could happen, an attack from the ambush. Hence, the usual discussion was anyway rather secondary - practically seen. Moreover, she had already got used too much to it. Hawke has too often had Fenris as well as Anders with her party. Anders was not only a good friend, but also an excellent mage as well as a healer. His experiences as a grey warden and apostate proved themselves over and over again. Fenris qualities were also hardly to be substituted in the close fight. Though Aveline was also gorgeous, but as a captain of the guard she was clamped only too well. Moreover, because of her position she did not support every decision of Hawke what risked their friendship needlessly. In the beginning with Fenris it had made no difference to her what he thoughts of her decisions. There it counted that he fought fantastically and was robust. A fact that Hawke well situated. Though she could take with her daggers in stride in a close fight, however, the danger was too big with a great mass that she could not make away quickly enough and was injured. There she endured much less than Fenris.  
Moreover, she took Fenris then for the time also for Anders on occasion. He wanted to have him beside, show him his good sides. The good sides of the magic. To have this discussions with him which they had at this moment to persuade him maybe one day. Then subconsciously it developed that she was the reason why she wanted him including. To feel his presence, watch him, hear his still so bitter voice speaking. At the moment where she realized her feelings she wanted to avoid him. No distraction because of his presence, no rotten feeling in her stomach. Feeling weak. And also she doesn’t want to see the unlucky attempts of Anders anymore. Then his sad look he threw to her secretly. The cheering up smile, the encouraging touches which she gave him then to cheer him up again. Unfortunately she was not able to do this anymore as honestly as earlier. Now it felt wrong and this was not fair.  
A light quake went through her body. The ground vibrated a little. Hawke cursed – nevertheless, she wanted to be attentive! For this reason exactly she did not want to have Fenris anymore in their party. Constantly she digressed absolutely needlessly with her thoughts.

At the next moment several holes opened on the ground around them. Shades glided through the ground to the surface like lava which could do them nothing. Fenris reacted instinctively and killed directly one which came too close. Anders used a fire rain about us, while Varric tried to win some distance to the enemies. Hawke overlooked the situation at first. The shades had appeared directly before them, therefore it was quite right that Varric ran back. A bit further an arcane horror appears. Hawke decided immediately and used the moment of the chaos to glide directly practically unnoticed through the shades – directly to the arcane horror. It is collecting energy for his attack, seemed quite concentrated. Hawke used the moment and pushed her 2 daggers in his stomach, pulled them out, moved behind him and attacked next time, but this time with full strength. The arcane horror lost his accumulated energy, collapsed weakened. Hawke still performed few other attacks, Varric shot also various arrows at the creature, until it also went down to the ground. Hawke breathed hard, looked to her remaining companions. Now Varric was occupied with a few shades which freshly climbed from the earth. Gave them no chance to defend themselves. Fenris on the other side was surrounded of shades and a rage demon had also appeared. Besides, Anders was holding the enemies around Fenris under control, but it doesn’t seemed to be necessary. Fenris had it already completely under control. With an impressive ease he lifted his greatsword upwards, performed sweeping a pirouette with it he sank down his greatsword with a loud cry. With the flow of the movement he destroyed immediately 2 shades and injured the rage demon appreciable. He looked almost sensuous like a dancer as he moved barefoot and swung with elegant and still powerful movements the greatsword around himself and ruined the opponents completely. Because the fight seemed to be won, she allowed herself for a short moment of memories, as a Varric had asked Fenris what he would do the whole day at home - and Fenris joked that he would dance. Suddenly this statement was not so wrong at all.

„Hawke, Maker, turn you! Pay attention! “, Varric ripped her out from her thoughts. Her glance cleared up again, was aware of what happened, actually. A renewed quake was to be felt, indeed, this time it was more like something what would hit, over and over again. Were these immense steps?

Before Hawke could turn round, an arrow shot up already directly along her. The aim seemed to be immediately behind her. While she turned around, she saw flashes from Anders stave flew and Fenris ran with a renewed fight shout directly in her direction. At the end of her rotation she got the sight of a huge creature – an ogre. Directly before her. She directly tried to run away, however, the paw of the creature already reached for her. Panic wanted to arise in her, pictures of Carver came to her mind. But she suppressed them, she tried to loose from the clutch. Her arms were impacted, the daggers still in her hands – these cut her painfully in her own thighs. It did not seem to impress the ogre, although his claw would have to be cut.

Fenris uses his approach and jumped upwards, cuts straight to the ogres arm. A pain shout came from the creature, the clutch of the ogre became stronger. Now also Hawke could not suppress a pain shout anymore. The daggers cut even further in the flesh. Her bones felt as if they broke any minute.

Before she could realize what had happen, the whole pressure feeling was away from one second to another. Her body inhaled instinctively. She enjoyed the feeling how her chest filled with air, so much that she noticed only with the impact that she has had fallen. The ogre had let her go. Pain of the impact in itself was not that bad, even more the other pains paralyzed her. The daggers lay beside her on the ground. She reached for them, wanted to get up fast. The magic of Anders and the arrows of Varric hit on the ogre. Fenris had jumped next time to add damage to the ogre. In spite of the weight of the sword and the height of the jump no sound of his landing was to be heard.

Fenris saw to her, looked at her legs. „Hawke, bring yourself in security!“ the elf called to her. She ventured herself only a moment a look at her legs which were covered in blood. She pressed herself with her hands from the ground, the daggers holding tight. She moved her legs slowly, too strongly was the pain. However, she bites her teeth together, did not pause in the movement until she stood completely on her legs. Important muscles did not seem to have been injured. She was angry to have no more healing drinks with herself to be able of fight rudimentary. Therefore she turned around to the fighting and limped reverse to the direction of Varric and Anders. Now Fenris was alone towards to the creature in the front. His lyrium marks shone brightly, a cry follows the next. The ogre became slower, but also Fenris got lost noticeably his perseverance. The ogre noticed this apparently, used the moment of the rest of Fenris to grab him. Fenris tried to get away, but was not quick enough. „No!“, Hawke squealed uncontrolled. She fades her pains in her legs out and sprinted off. The daggers in attack position. No, these pictures which she had seen with Carver they should not replay. She did not want to watch over again idly. She did not want that Fenris because of her inattentiveness … she could and did not want to lead this thought to an end.

Hawke took a bottle from her belt and threw it to the ogre to take from him the view and also to weaken him. But the reaction of the ogre was totally not as expected. He seemed to want to wag with his paws the fog away. Therefore he swung and threw Fenris like a doll with full force against the rock face. The elf bounced off and kept lying still. Her heart made a short dropout which she immediately gained under control. She had to focus her feelings in the right direction. „Anders, freeze him!“, she ordered to her friend. He nodded affirmative and fired directly a blue beam from his stave. The creature freezed. „Varric, your strongest shot!“ – „As you wish, Hawke!“ he laughed. He fired him. Hawke had walked around meanwhile the ogre, jumped up, so high she was able. It made no sense to try to get hold with the feet. Hence, she shifted her weight in such a way that she landed with her daggers in the back of the ogre and sting directly with all strength. At the same moment the shot of Varric hit head-on. The plan worked out. The ogre disintegrated into many small ice parts.

The young woman landed directly in the middle of the lumps. Still completely dazed from the adrenalin, the pain was to be stood. But she allowed herself no moment to rest to gain control of the breathing. She stood up, put the daggers in her holder and ran directly to Fenris which had not moved. He laid there in such a way as he had fallen. Anders had already come to him, knelt beside him. Hawke depended and tries to fathoming Anders expression. But he was paralyzed, just staring for one moment at Fenris. As if he does not want to know how his being is. No expression was to be seen, as he was trying to put down a counter which gave him the professionalism which he needed now. He looked calm. Hawke was the complete opposite. She did not know where with herself. She sank even beside the body on the knees. Feld the beat of her heart again in her breast. A dumpling formed in her throat. Fenris arm laid strangely bent, his hair was impregnated by blood. His right body side was overflowed with interfaces, open wounds and blood. It was to see with which side he had banged into the rock.

She kneaded her hands in her lap, further saw to Fenris. „Anders, please …“, she spoke briefly. Even with the little of words she noticed how her voice trembled. She couldn’t say more. She felt that Anders took a briefly look at her. Irritated about the weakly order from the otherwise so objective Hawke. Exactly for this reason she did not lift her glance. But then she saw how Anders hands looked for a pulse of Fenris. She looked up to him, wanted to try to recognize with the help of his face the result. Though he bent at the same time over the elf, held his ear about Fenris' slightly opened mouth. Anders straighten up. „He lives. His pulse and his respiration are weak, but he lives. “, he said, obviously relieved. He smiled and saw to her. She felt a stone drops from her heart. But she couldn’t smile yet, felt a lump in her throat and tears formed in her eyes. She turned her head away. „Very well. “, she said scarcely, turned away her look and wanted to get up. But the pain of her legs broke upon her, after her adrenalin level dropped again. She slumped again. Andes had jumped up, came to her side to support her. „Is everything okay?“, he asked, audible bewildered. „Just pain, further everything is okay. “, she tried to say strong, but the voice did not sound as strong as awaited. With the back of her hand she wiped a tear from the face, smiled at him. But she couldn’t stand it for long. She saw in his eyes that he did not believed her smile. However he said nothing. He brought her to a smaller rock, set her down on it. She used the moment of the relaxation to take a look around to Varric. He has started to loot the dead enemies directly after the fight and safeguarded at the same time the environment, while they looked after Fenris. But now there was from the dwarf far and wide no track. „Have you seen Varric?“, she asked Anders, hopeful that she just had overlooked something. „No. I suppose that he looks for help. “, he replied briefly. Hawke wanted to get up, look for him. But when she shifted her weight again to her legs, she felt too much pain, so that she had to sit down again. „Let me take a look on your wound“, said Anders with a gesture that she should keep her seat. She agreed, while she was quiet. He knelt down before her, felt the thighs and examined the wounds. „These wounds will not restrict you for too long - except they will infect.“, he noticed and confirmed with her supposition. He brought out a bandage of his pocket. He began to mutter something, while he bandaged her thighs. „The pains should be dammed temporary, until we are in Kirkwall.“, he said and stood up, the hand reached to her to help her up. She accepted the hand, stood up. It was indeed much better now. "Thanks". He nodded, turned away. He was unusual impersonal to her. „Anders, …“, she started and reached for his arm, so that he must stop and turn to her. She did not know what she should say. He stopped indeed, also turned round. „Not now, Hawke.“, he said. „We should rather get on the way as fast as possible. Fenris must be treated.“  
He turned his face away as it got painful features. „This is probably not only in my interest.“, he supplemented bitterly - scarcely audible while he already walked across to Fenris. Hawke couldn’t move for a moment. Now it was clear to her, that he knows something. He was sensitive enough and he knew her just too well so he exactly knew how he should classify the situation. Then she followed him in silence. Anders examined Fenris arm and his shoulder, before he set the shoulder with a skilful jerk. After that they lifted the elf silently high and placed him between themselves, his arms laid around their shoulders. Even if the magic of Anders worked well, the weight bearing by the elf was awkward, but to endure. Where was this damned dwarf now?

Thanks to the Maker, elves were not that tall, so Fenris didn’t touched the ground because of Anders size. They went back on the way to Kirkwall, took a look around after Varric. Indeed they saw him approach – directly behind it two guardsmen. One city guard Hawke recognized directly as Donnic.  
„Varric, you shouldn’t go away without a notice!“, she admonished him. „I am sorry, Hawke. But I have seen that this patrol was already on the way to Kirkwall. And I thought we could use some help on the way back. “, he explained himself. She nodded, because Varric was right.

„Hello, nice to see you, Donnic. “, she greeted the city guard and nodded greeting to the tall second guardsman. He nodded back, consciously kept in the background. „Greetings to you, Hawke. I have heard that you have survived an ogre's attack and could need help. “, he nodded to Fenris which hung limp between Anders and Hawke. Hawkes legs trembled a little, they did not manage with the weight bearing. She nodded. „Fenris has to go urgently back to Kirkwall. I doubt that we make a fast headway in our condition. “, she confessed. Donnic nodded affirmative, saw on her thighs. She followed his look, saw that the bright bandages meanwhile became red. Donnic came up to them, pressed her a little bit aside and undertook her position, while he laid Fenris arm over his own shoulders and placed the arm behind his back. Hawke stepped aside. After that Donnic laid his second arm under the knees of the elf and raised him up, whereby Anders also stepped aside.

„Then we should start out for Kirkwall, I would say!“, Donnic assume command with which they got on the way together.


	3. Hawke

When they reached Kirkwall, Anders and Varric went directly to Darktown to get everything from Anders clinic what he will need for the treatment. Hawkes pain in her legs had increased again so she limped a little. Therefor Donnic accompanied her to Fenris’ mansion. The other guardsman had already made his way to the barracks to inform Aveline about the incident.

Arrived in Fenris’ mansion Hawke held with her free hand the door open for Donnic, so that he could carry the elf unscathed through the door. He had shown no sign of life yet. They carried him straight through the antechamber, over to the hall. A musty smell rose into her nose. She hadn’t been often here, in addition she had searched too rarely the conversation with Fenris. Everywhere were flaws, no matter where to look at. In the ground, the walls, the ceiling. The humidity pervaded straight through the rooms. Pictures hung askew, objects lay loveless in the corner. Spider webs and dust as far as the eye can see. Tiles detached of the ground.

They went up the stairs which creaked menacingly under their weight. The room, which Fenris uses as a living space, didn’t look better. Everywhere were dusty books lying opened, also sides ripped out. Also were wine bottles everywhere spread all over, the most almost emptied.

A table with a view chairs was placed directly on the left side of the entrance. On the right side a fireplace, a few benches were put in a square before it. A big cupboard as well as a chest were in the back corner on the right. The space behind the table on the left side has a recess in which also a were cupboard and a chest. Moreover there was a small bed. Donnic went to it, put the elf carefully on it. "Thanks", Hawke said to the guardsman, leaning the great sword from Fenris against the wall next to the bed. Donnic nodded. „My pleasure, Hawke. Willingly come up to me again if you need help. I have not forgotten that you saved my life once. And I think that also the captain has no problems with it. “

Hawke nodded affirmative. Under other circumstances she would be more talkative, but not yet. He seemed to understand, gave her a light smile and left the room and afterwards the property.

An odd silence entered. She felt a breath of wind touching her. It came noticeably from the holes in the walls and the ceiling. Short she rubbed her upper arms with her hands, turned around to the chimney. It wasn’t burning, existed, but still glowing. Therefore Hawke placed some new chimney wood in the fireplace which had lain next to it. With a little effort she created from the glow a small fire which spread about the wood.

She got up, still looking at her work. The pain in her thighs rebuked her for crouching in front of the chimney. But it was necessary that it became a little warmer here with the draught. She turned around to Fenris, walked slowly across to his bed. It hurt her to see him in this fettle. Everywhere was blood on his wounded side, already dried. It was hardly to see where the wounds were and where his armor was damaged. His arm hung limp down. Carefully she took his arm and laid it beside his body on the bed. She looked at his face. It was unusual to see his facial features so relaxed. Otherwise he was always so serious, so tensed up. As if he tightened constantly his jaw and pulls together the eyebrows. Now nothing at all of it was to see, except of small little folds between the eyebrows which betrayed his normal expression. His head lay on the mattress. The blanket lay at the end of the bed on the ground, the pillow on the ground of the other side. Hawke bent over Fenris, raised his head carefully with her right hand a little up so she could reach with her left hand completely under his head. She felt his hair between her fingers, but also that these were slightly stick together. As she moved her right hand away under his head, she hold the touch as long as she could. She strokes along his neck to his ear, before she finished the touch. Hawke reached for the pillow and placed it gently under his head before she slowly pulled her left hand from under his head. This time she glided with her hand to his face strokes softly with her thumb over his cheek. She did not know how she should arrange the situation, her feelings. This small gesture felt so good for her, although she knew that he felt nothing. But it was also good that he did not feel anything. However, it was so pleasant to be able to touch his face, to feel his skin on her skin. But at the same time it made her sad.

A bang of a door made her jump. Two voices of men sounded in the hall. Primarily one of a swearing dwarf. Hawke went fast over to the chimney, sat down on one of the benches.

„Nevertheless, this cannot be serious from you! Why you don’t ask Isabella, she would be certainly delight to see this elf naked and to paw him!“, Varric rumbled as they came upstairs. When they came by the door Anders spoke, by far more seriously in the tone: „Fenris needs our help now. We cannot cross half the town to find a volunteer. And to be able to treat his wounds, we must clean the wounds. And to be able to do anything he has to go divest from his armour. So don’t be pathetic, Varric. “

„Otherwise, I can also help …“, Hawke offered, even if she was ignored by now. Anders saw at her for one moment, her looks met. But Hawke could not estimate him, regardless of how much she tried it. "No." , he decided briefly and turned away to the table. He spread his utensils on the table, also took the materials which Varric has carried. „But if Hawke offers we have a volunteer!“, he respoke Anders refusal. "No". , he repeated scarcely, while he sorted everything intently. „She must favor her legs. “

He turned again to her, went to her without looking at her. In his hand he held small pot with a mud-coloured substance. „Here, this is an salve for your wound“, he said, while he passed it to her. She took it towards after she turned quite around to the table. „You should go to your mansion – wash and clean your wounds. Balm this salve 3 times a day on your wounds. Spare you today, grant rest to your body. – We look after Fenris.” His words did not sound as cared for as they were chosen. Hawke decided to do him the favor.

„Okay. Announce me if there are problems. “, she said, while she got up.

„No, Hawke, don’t do that!“, replied Varric grievously. She grinned. „You can do this, I believe in you!“, she said during passed him and slapped him on the shoulder. „You can work it up in your stories sometime. “ He just grunted, after what she slowly came along on the way to the egress.


	4. Hawke

Now the young woman was on her bed in her own property. Cross-legged she sat on it, the flickering observed in her chimney. Her Mabari had laid down directly before it and slept. She against found no sleep. 

Arrived in the property she had washed herself, had disinfected carefully her wounds with her injury kit. The salve of Anders acted wonderful cooling, but it also burnt a bit. However, the pain became clearly less. She had bandaged her thighs, so that the wound was protected against clothes and other external influence. 

After she finished, Bodahn had alert her that some letters had arrived. She checked the concerns at her desk, sorted it according to importance. But it wasn’t a real distraction to her. 

Hence she sat abstracted on her bed and waited. She waited for Anders. Or tidings. Anders had moved unofficially some time ago into her mansion, had own a small sleeping area. It was more sure for the apostate to live here as in the dark town. Moreover, Hawke also was thankful about his society, after her mother had died. However, now he did not come. No sign of life, also no informations about Fenris. 

She got up, her Mabari lifted startled the head and looked at her. She patted him. „Relax, my boy. I will just take a step outside. “, she explained to him. As usual, he seemed to understand her, laid down his head on the paws. She buckled on a light leather armor, just for the security. Though the streets were meanwhile much more save as formerly, but she was not sure where she wanted do go. Hence she armed herself with her daggers. She put on the hood and came along on the way at the dark. 

The sky was almost cloudless, the moon seemed fiercely in the sky and enlightened Kirkwall. And also where the shades at the same darker which she used for herself. She crept by the shades, did not wanted to attract attention to herself. Apparently nobody was there, but this had to mean nothing. She did not want to risk anything with her injury. 

Briefly she had considered to go to Fenris' mansion to see after him. But she did not know whether Anders was maybe still there. She rather would leave him there alone. This she was guilty to him. 

As an alternative The Hanged Man came to her sense. Maybe this would prepare her some distraction. A few beer, play a round with cards. Listening to Varrics stories. This sounded good. 

Therefore she came along the direct way to Lowtown, hidden in the shades. The very own smell of The Hanged Man became as well present as his noise. 

As she arrived she entered directly the tavern, a musty, usual stinking wall met her. An extreme contrast of the cold, clear night from which she came. Moreover, it was loud. One heard directly that somewhere were a noisy discussion, probably shortly before a fight. Roar, laughter, singing– exactly the right now. She had to grin inevitably, while she entered closer. 

She wanted to take a look around whether she recognised somebody, however, Isabella met her directly. 

„Great that you are here!“, she said, sounding relaxed. 

„What is this? You did not have possibly desire, did you?“, joked Hawke and winked at her mischievously. 

„Of course, always!“, she returned sarcastically and a small winning grin was reflected in the corner of her mouth, while she leant against a timber. They had spent once a night with each other. It was quite at the beginning where they had become acquainted with each other. But they had leave at that, since then followed just an active exchange of sexual allusions and small flirtations. Hawke catched herself how she briefly played with the thought to spend the evening with Isabella. A little unconstrained fun would help her maybe to divert herself. And with whom it was more pleasant, than with Isabella? 

„No, seriously. With pleasure I would spend the evening with you… I believe one of our companions needs your attention more than me.“, she said as if she had read Hawkes thoughts. She pointed first only over her shoulder, before she turned around and pointed in the right direction. 

Hawke followed Isabellas finger and discovered in the very back corner of The Hanged Man a picture of misery which was concentrated just to reach the jar of beer on the table in front of him. The picture of misery was Anders. Hawke's stomach turned to see her friend in this way. His shoulders hung limply down, his look was fulfilled by endless sadness. The only strength which he could raise he used seize the beer. 

Wordless Hawke passed Isabella who pinched her naughty in the butt. „You are welcome to visit me later,…", she murmured. Hawke turned around to her, could return only a restricted grin. She was too worried at this moment. 

She went to the innkeeper, asked for a key for a room and tossed him a few coins on the bar. He made big eyes, the real price was probably distinct lower, but he also did not correct her. Gave her only the key which she took directly. He explained where she could find the room. 

She came along on the way over to Anders who had got meanwhile his beer and drank from it. He did not observe Hawke at all. Only when she dropped herself on the bank beside him and took his beer from him. 

„I think that is enough for today. “, she said and drank from the jar. 

"What do you do here?!“, he asked drunken, but tried to look very seriously at her. „You had to take care for yourselves!“, he complemented rebuking. 

Hawke took a gulp from the jar. The harsh taste of the beer spread out in her mouth. „My injuries are alright, Anders. The salve work wonders. And a small walk will make no damage. “ 

There came only one resigning grunt of Anders who stared now at the table where the jar had stood before. 

„Even more we should worry about you. It is not nicely to see you so. “, she said and laid her hand on his which laid on his tigh. She pressed his hand slightly in hers. „Come along. You should lie down a bit. “, she said and showed him with her other hand the key which she had brought out. 

„I still can decide for myself. “, he bristled. 

She got up, took his hand more firmly and pulled him up with herself. With reluctance he relented. Wobbly he stood on his legs, but started to go after he shortly found his balance. Like a small boy she dragged him behind herself, up to the rooms. At the end of the hall she unlocked the room and stepped in. It was ordinary. A bed, a table, a chair and a chest. Enough and even cleanly. But no comparison to the room of Varric. 

Hawke pulled the mage in the room, closed the door behind him and pushed him gently in the direction of the bed. He accepted the direction, dropped with the belly on the bed. He laid straight across the bed. Hawke took off the boots, went then also on the bed and sat down cross-legged on the headboard against the wall. 

„Tell me what is wrong. “, she required Anders worried. 

„You know what is wrong. “, he answered quietly and mumbling. 

She was not sure. To one side existed the possibilty that it stood badly with Fenris. On the other side everything that Anders had interpreted in the situaion. 

"I'm not sure. “, she quietly admitted. For one moment they said nothing. Hawke was not sure whether Anders maybe had already fallen into sleep. Against her supposition he stood a little bit up, pressed the upper part of the body with the arms up. He turned to her, slowly sat down. But the look was lowered to the bed. 

„Why have you said nothing?“, he asked finally quiet. 

She felt how heat climbed up in her involuntarily. 

„There was nothing to be said. “, she replied, looked further at him in spite of every protest in her body. 

Anders glance shot high up to her. „Nothing to say? You have feelings for Fenris! How are you able to do the concealment? All the time!“, he said loud and furiously. 

Hawke was quiet for a moment, searching for words. „I have said nothing because it makes no difference!“ – „How can this make no difference?!“, he burst out. He tried very much to suppress the result of the alcohol and to speak clearly. 

„It never makes no difference what one feels. And I complain to you so often before how I feel and you hide from me everything. I do not know at all who you are! You keep everything for yourselves, while I tell you everything. This is not fair. What do you still hide from me? Are you maybe secretly together with him and deride together about what I'm telling you? I … "-" Anders, hold on! “, interrupted Hawke hardly, but with light desperation in the tone. He stopped directly and looked up a little puzzled. Maybe he was also surprised about his own torrent of words which came in his drunkenness about him. 

„Maker, what you think I'm capable of?“, she continued. „I've never cheated you. Yes, you have right with the fact that Fenris has become important for me. But it doesn't matter. I don't have to give into these feelings. Everything remains how it is and I will not stand you in the way. “ 

Anders glance fell. He was quiet. Hawke looked at him further, but did not know what she should say. Everything was said. Now Anders short energy push had vanished again, he looked tired. 

She came near closer to him, reached for his hands which laid limpy on the bed. She held his hands in hers, glided with her thumbs over his backs of the hands. 

„I also don't want that anything stands between us. You are important to me, Anders. I don't want to lose you as a friend. And I want that you are happy!“, she said certainly, lowered the head and bumped affectionately like a cat with her forehead against his, because he stared still down. 

„I know …“, it came very quietly from him. Though he raised his head, but leant easily away from her. He looked past her obliquely. He looked strained, seemed to consider what he thought, what he felt… what he wanted to say. 

„I'm sorry“, finally came from him. „It is just… I will never have a chance with Fenris. The barrier which he has around himself... I will never be able to break through. But you…“, he turned the look now to Hawke. She saw that his eyes shone moistly. „… you have certainty a chance with him. He doesn't hate you. I also want you to be happy. Wouldn't it be fair when you at least use your chance?“ 

Hawke shook directly the head. „No … this isn't be due to me. Moreover, something like that would distracted me too much. I can't allow that to me. “ She smiled. Although she just thought that it distracted her aleady too much. This may not go on anyway. 

„You talk nonsense. “, replied the mage drowsy and yawned. Hawke smiled. 

„Come, put you down and sleep. “ Anders protested almost as well as a small boy, but in the final effect he relented. Laid the head on her lap which she stroked, until she felt that he had fallen asleep. Softly she pushed his head of her lap, covered the mage. Quietly she pulled her shoes on and left the room.


	5. Hawke

The pure air of the night let her lungs feel a purification of the musty air of The Hanged Man. A slight draught was to be felt between the houses and alleys, on the way which she followed now as insignificantly as she had on the way to The Hanged Man. The moon stood brightly in the sky, dipped everything in a slight bluish-grey light. 

Now Hawke stood before the property of Fenris. The wind blew one streak of her black, short hair in her face – but she did not noticed it. She considered whether she should go in. Nevertheless, she just wanted to see after him. How he is going, how he looks. Whether he is asleep or quite awake. If everything would be normal, it would be okay. But so as it was, she had the feeling, it would not be normal. Her already felt her heart beating by the thought to pass this door. Althought Anders had said it would be okay – she did not think that Anders will still have this opinion tomorrow. He had been drunk, had not unterstand the meaning of his own words. 

Nevertheless she wanted to know, how her companion is doing. So there should be no problem. Thus she gave herself a start and entered the property. 

It was silent except of her steps which resounded inside of the hall. Moreover the darkness of the night gaves the property an impression of a ghost house. It was definite not comfortable. But the fire of the chimney made a slight light, led her the way to the room in where Fenris should lie.   
Careful she stepped quietly into the room. Noted that Fenris still lay in his bed – eyes closed. The open fire had become weaker, did not gave the same warmth as before . Hence Hawke resortet herself to the chimney, filled it with further wood. The wood slowly draw to a close – the next day maybe she should organise new ones. 

For one moment she observed how the fire slowly spread out. To one hand to enjoy the stronger growing warmth and on the other hand to stall, before she would turn around to the elf. She could not classify surely, why she put off the moment before herself. How exact the feeling was what she felt. However after all she turned around, stepped slowly towards to the sleeping elf. 

Now he looked definitively better than a few hours ago. Anders and Varric had taken his bloodied armour from him, to had drawn him instead in black linen trousers. His belly had been bandaged, his breast littered with smaller scars and wounds. His arm lay bent on his breast, was wrapped in a bandage, which went around his neck for stabilisation. Hawke sat down on a free part on the bed beside him, looked at him. She had never seen that much of his Lyrium drawings on his body up to now. How they spread down from the neck down over his breast musculature, partially disappeared under the bandage or to his back. His arms which were also drawn with this mysteriously shining substance, even his hands. Shortly she played with the thought to touch the tattoos on his breathing breast – but did not. 

Instead she looked at his peacefully sleeping face. Anders had probably given him something, so that he would sleep dreamlessly until his body will recovered enough. On one side of his face he had a huge scrape but apart from this he seemed to be uninjured. His hair was slightly wet, but wasn't bloodied any more. Probably they had tried to wash them too.   
Again her gaze wandered to his bent Arm, which Anders had reduced earlier. A bandage was separately wrapped around his forearm. In comparison to the other bandages, this seemed to be completely soaked from blood. Gently she touched him with her fingertips, and felt that this was really wet – so the wound would probably not heal good underneath. Hawke untied carefuly the bandage, under which a gaping wound appeared. 

She got up, searched the house for new bandages and fresh water. But she just found a few apparently clean scraps of cloth and water. She cleaned the skin around the wound, trying to dab the wound itself a little dry, before she spreat some of her own salve on it. What helped her in such a wonderful way had also to work on him. But the Problem was now, that she didn't know with what she could bandage the wound again. The scraps were all too small to bandage them around the underarm so she had to improvise. She put a scrap on the wound, untied her red kerchief, which she had tied fresh around it in the evening. This was long enough to tie it around his forearm and to attach the scraps of cloth. Not optimal, but useful. 

Fenris hadn't moved during the procedure at all. Only his chest rose up and down evenly. But Hawke had calmed down, it had seemed much worse than it was in the end. She went over to the fireplace. On the Bank stood withttle of wine. It has been a little emptied, the cork was only slightly inserted into the opening. She pulled it out, smelled at it and took a sip. It was a awful day. If Fenris would complain she will buy him a new one. But she needed it now. She sat on the floor next to the fireplace – from here she had a good look at Fenris as well as to the door, could enjoy the warmth of the fireplace, while she leaned against the cold stone wall and took a few sips of wine for her inner heat.   
With every swallow she drank, she felt increasingly a nausea rising. But not because of the usual incompatibility of the brew, but because of the feelings whose oppression was becoming less and less. Somehow she was overwhelmed. The short thought that Fenris could had be killed by the Ogre had shown her even more how important he had become for her. If he would not be there anymore. Even if she had no closeness, hardly any contact, she would miss him. She laughed shortly, felt how her eyes become watery. She took a big gulp from the bottle, without actually doing it consciously.   
Anders was right. He would never get a chance. And she? Maybe. If Fenris would ever give anyone a chance. If he would ever commit to someone fully. It was actually hard to imagine. But how much she would like to try... to take care of him while he would be awake. Talk to him, give him small signals. Carelessly touch him while feel the heart beat. Feel the tingling, if she would try to go on over a rash touch...


End file.
